Follow me on Twitter @WrenMcMurdo

Friday, January 21, 2011

Everything's Changed. As per usual. Sigh.

I am in no mood to blog, but I am obliged to write every week because I'm not giving up! Never will I ever give up! So what if I don't really have a stable, sane place to live or a car and I have to rely on Poni to cart me back and forth from the mouse house to the bus stop! So what if I feel like my hair might be thinning, or going grey, and I've still got stomach problems from India! So what if I might never be able to fill all the career demands my creative instincts inspire...I will be tortured with creativity forever! So what if I am down to two beebs and the only song I've written lately is a song commemorating the death of Winona, David's eternal love?! (long story, for those of you who do not know the intense relationships my budgies nurture...) So what if I miss my friends and family, but am numbed by the intensely perfect weather and the copious hours of schoolwork I must constantly be fitting in!

Anyhow...I don't even know why I'm complaining. Life is great, why would I be in a bad mood? I suppose a bit of bitterness is rising to the surface of me as seeming turmoil (i.e. change) again rakes its fingernails over my home life. Anytime my security (i.e. habits) is(are) threatened I become sullen. And that's that. I really am as sensitive as they say. Anything could set me off! The trick is: to hide or not to hide? To communicate or let it go? Which battles of the many that are possible are worth fighting?! GOD I love school. Nothing could be more riveting than the fiber content of every one's clothing in Textile Science, or draping a bias-cut Claire McCardell inspired seersucker dress, or deciding whether a baby hem as opposed to a single needle hem would be appropriate for a blouse, or journaling about fashion theorists and digressing into canyons of self-assertion that fashion matters, damn it! It matters to ME!

Poni got a massage from a lady named Goldenbear recently (a birthday present from me) who can tell you all about your past lives, and often the past lives of others in your life while she does so. She told him that he and I have known each other in a couple of other lives, but not many, and those she did mention included a life in which he and I were both little Russian tailor boys who made cool outfits for ourselves and sometimes got drunk and fooled around (we were into each other but communist Russia didn't allow our rainbows to come out, I'm sure). In another life Poni was an actor on the stage and I was his costume designer.

In any case, I have been into fashion (and gay, apparently) for many lifetimes. I feel like a little Russian tailor boy in many ways as I go about my life at this school. There are plenty of gays (men/MTFs) here, but they may as well be straight California girls, too. Really hot, really bitchy, and really intimidating. Today I was EXTRA fixated on the "fabric" on the other girls in my classes. Must have just been a full moon...yep. Very overwhelming and stimulating, to say the least, to be surrounded by so much beauty. These girls are true glamazons. They wear expensive clothes and are way too cool to be friendly to a nerdy, giggly little Seattle queer like me. I wonder if they can tell that I'm nearly ten years their senior? I wonder if they can tell that I'm queer and even if I were looking at their clothing and not their glistening...features, would they think I was perving on them like everyone else in the world must be? These days, here in California, I wonder that a lot...whether my gayness is written all over me or not? (aside from the rainbow on my wrist...I know, I know...) Whether my age is written all over me or not? Even if I wanted a reliable answer, everyone here in Los Angeles seems just a tad too fake (or is it nice? polite?) to ask.

No comments:

Post a Comment